Newspaper reports

The Observer, Conrad Leach: "When Chelsea have got over the shock and shame of not winning 6-0 – as they had done in their first two games of this season – they will realise the value of this rather more subdued scoreline. As they have already proved this campaign, creating chances is not a problem for Carlo Ancelotti's side, but sometimes the putts don't drop. If they had, then they might even have equalled the 7-0 thrashing they doled out to Stoke City on this ground in April. After all, when Ashley Cole could have scored twice, you know there are goals to be had."

Sunday Telegraph, Jonathan Liew: "Just the two for Chelsea this week, then, but to a home contingent reared on gourmet cuisine, this win was nothing more than a good square meal. It is fair to say that three games in, the champions are yet to be truly tested. An industrious but guileless Stoke City were ill-equipped for the job, and Chelsea were even able to afford a missed penalty on their way to victory."

Independent on Sunday, Mark Fleming: "Florent Malouda describes the carefree fluency Chelsea have displayed in their opening Premier League games as feeling "like I was back in my garden". And well he might, for things are certainly looking rosy for Malouda and the rest of the defending champions. Stoke City provided stiffer opposition than either West Bromwich Albion or Wigan had managed on the previous two weekends but the champions were unruffled."

Official Chelsea FC Website: "It is now 14 goals without reply from three games as the strong start continues. The Blues were afforded the luxury of a missed Frank Lampard penalty before Florent Malouda opened the scoring for the third game running, again with a right-foot finish. Chelsea then hit the bar, a feat also performed by Stoke with the score still 1-0. Didier Drogba sealed the win from the penalty spot with quarter-of-an-hour to go, followed soon after by a debut for Ramires."

The goals

Malouda 1-0
Drogba (pen) 2-0

Pre-match stuff

We find ourselves perched atop of the fledgling Premiership table with a goal difference that Stoke (and many others) would be immensely pleased with come next May. Another six goal haul today would see an increasing number of Chelsea fans depart from reality – not that we need too much opportunity for that – and possibly encourage the News of the Screws’ fake sheikh to turn his attentions from Pakistani bowlers to the defence of whichever team happened to be facing Ancelotti’s globetrotters that weekend.

Tony Pulis and the visitors would presumably have arrived with one eye on damage limitation, their 7-0 humbling down at the Bridge at the tail end of last season. Asmir Begovic, Stoke’s wantaway keeper who picked the ball out of his net no less than five times during last season’s rout, is still on strike and hoping for a move to SW6; his club’s new eight figure valuation is looking prohibitive for a second choice keeper, to say the least.

What else? Oh yes; European footy is back. Thursday’s Champions League draw was the usual mixture of UEFA self-aggrandising pomp and ceremony – oh for Chopper and another grizzly ex-pro pulling balls from a bag in the FA’s basement – and left us with a reasonable group to negotiate over the coming months. Midweek trips to Slovakia and Russia are never ideal, but Drogba’s return to Marseilles to face another Didier with Chelsea connections should hopefully provide the highlight of a group stage which doesn’t exactly set the pulse racing (not much change there, then).

The game

The late, great Eric Morecambe once observed that life is generally not Hollywood, but mostly Cricklewood. Given our recent net-bursting form, this seems an appropriate observation after what was a comfortable, routine victory against a team resolutely determined to give our free-scoring heroes less room to play in than a cat in a wheelie bin.

The performance was sound, workmanlike and as third gear as the outings against West Brom and Wigan, just minus the clinical finishing. Had chances been taken, another goal-difference boosting rout could have been on the cards; a clearly off-colour Frank’s penalty (his reluctance to put his boot through it as he usually does gave a clear indication that something was wrong), the two opportunities that fell to Ashley and Kalou’s late one-on-one howler (too much time to think, you see) and so on.

Not much more to say really – we were dominant in possession, fairly solid in defence and created chances against a side rather lacking in ambition. There will be plenty more games of this nature to come over the next eight months or so; some will end with a more impressive scoreline, others less so.

The good

• Three wins, fourteen goals and none conceded – top of the heap. The perfect start to the season.
• Injuries to JT and Frank. Not good that they’re crocked, obviously, but a minor hamstring tweak and a hernia op instead of flogging the lifeless equine beast that is England is probably a blessing in disguise. The best part of two weeks to rest, recuperate and generally avoid being booed by some shaven-headed fucktards fresh from an EDL march / asked stupid questions by agenda-driven journos is just what the doctor ordered from a blue point of view.
• Mikel – more of him later, but when the bloke I sit next to who has given JOM pelters for his entire Chelsea career stops to observe that he was having a great, almost Brazilian game, you know he must have been doing something right.
• Ashley Cole – like watching Cafu in his pomp.
• Ramires – nice to see the new boy get a run out.
• I shall look forward immensely to seeing the Spurs fan in the office I work from occasionally this week; his confident dismissal of my ‘beware those supposedly easy league fixtures after good results in Europe’ warning proved somewhat foolish, as I told him it would. It did bring back some unpleasant memories about Watford away after a glorious night in the San Siro, though.

The bad

• We’re going to face an awful lot of teams adopting the ‘none shall pass’ masses behind the ball approach this season. Much of it will not be pretty.
• The two-thirds full away section. We’ve seen it before to an extent, and it is still holiday season, but the concern is that outside of the bigger teams and traditional rivals, fans of the mid to lower table sides might well be voting with their wallets rather than coming to the Bridge to see their boys on the wrong end of a hiding.

Player ratings

I shall rate the players based on a mark out of ten, taking into account factors such as goals, assists, tackles won, passing statistics, ridiculous and usually misplaced personal biases and/or favouritism and the quality of the individual’s haircut. Marks will be deducted for stray passes, silly coloured boots and being born under a star sign that I don’t particularly care for blah blah blah blah blah.

You didn’t think I was being serious, did you? Read the papers if you want all that jazz.

Man of the Match

Hmm, tricky one. Everyone was reassuringly competent, made few errors and in general, didn’t really set the world alight (not that they had to, if we’re honest). Ashley’s end to end energy was impressive as previously noted, JT’s solidity, bursting from deep run and regista style pass for Malouda’s first was as classy as it comes and also worthy of mention. Alex impressed me with some telling interceptions and tackles on the rare moments that Stoke ventured over the halfway line, but I’ll go with Mikel for today’s honours. The extra second he seems to find in possession coupled with an increasingly impressive range of passing should make the hacks sit up and take notice, if they weren’t too busy churning themselves into a creamy five-knuckle frenzy about the old ginger lad up in Manchester. And he cannae tackle as well as the Obi One, either.

In summary

The forthcoming break is both blessing and curse in equal measure. Despite a confident and impressive start to the season, my feeling is that we could do with another game or two to up the sharpness levels a little more and really kick into gear before international duty sends most of the squad scuttling around the planet. West Ham and their, ahem, ‘manager’ next up but for now, all in Carlo’s garden is rosy.

Related links

• Reaction: Maintaining top

Last updated Thursday, 26 August 10, 05:58 PM

The draw for the Champions League group stage is scheduled to take place in Monaco later today, at 5 PM BST.

Chelsea are among the top eight seeds again and will be in pot one with two of the other three Premier League sides - Manchester United and Arsenal - plus Inter Milan, AC Milan, Barcelona, Lyon and Bayern Munich. We cannot be drawn with any of these teams.

Pot two: Real Madrid, Valencia, Roma, Benfica, Werder Bremen, Marseille, Shakhtar Donetsk and Panathinaikos. One of these eight sides will be in our group. What price Real?

Pot three: Tottenham Hotspur, Rangers, Ajax, Spartak Moscow, Schalke, Basel, Braga and Copenhagen. We cannot face Spurs until the quarter-final stage.

Pot four: Hapoel Tel-Aviv, FC Twente, Rubin Kazan, Auxerre, Zilina, Cluj, Partizan Belgrade and Bursaspor.

The 32 teams will be split into eight groups of four.

This post will be updated live in real time once the draw is under way.

Full group stage draw...

Group A: Inter Milan, Werder Bremen, Tottenham Hotspur, FC Twente

Group B: Lyon, Benfica, Schalke, Hapoel Tel-Aviv

Group C: Manchester United, Valencia, Rangers, Bursaspor

Group D: Barcelona, Panathinaikos, Copenhagen, Rubin Kazan

Group E: Bayern Munich, Roma, Basel, Cluj

Group F: Chelsea, Marseille, Spartak Moscow, Zilina

Group G: AC Milan, Real Madrid, Ajax, Auxerre

Group H: Arsenal, Shakhtar Donetsk, Braga, Partizan Belgrade

Newspaper reports

The Observer, Paul Wilson: "Like Blackpool, Chelsea probably wish they could play Wigan every week, though unlike Ian Holloway's team, the London club's supporters would soon become bored of such an arrangement. This was another six-goal mismatch for the Blues, and even if it only turned into a rout in the final minutes, the fact that Chelsea are in double figures for goals after only two matches gives the lie to the idea that there are no easy games in the Premier League. There are certainly easy starts, and they don't come much less demanding than West Brom at home followed by Wigan away."

Sunday Telegraph, Graham Chase: "It says so much for the certainty and efficiency of this Chelsea side that Wigan Athletic will come away from a heavy defeat with no points but plenty of pride. It is only against the very best that results are measured in such a relative manner and although Wigan will feel they controlled much of the opening period yet Chelsea did not feel in the least bit threatened."

Independent on Sunday, Tim Rich: "Not even at the helm of the Milan sides that won him two European Cups has Ancelotti started a season with two 6-0 victories and he joked this was: "Not real football but PlayStation". He added: "The first half was a tough game but maybe Wigan expended too much energy because it became easier for us. We counterattacked fantastically and, when we have space, we are difficult to stop. We have the quality and the power to win the title this season.""

Official Chelsea FC Website: "Chelsea continued our emphatic start to the season with a 6-0 away win, but we didn't have it all our own way at the DW Stadium. It took half an hour for the Blues to even register a shot on target, but as soon as Florent Malouda swept home Frank Lampard's parried effort, there was only going to be one winner, and five second half goals was the mark of a much improved showing from Carlo Ancelotti's men."

The goals

Malouda 0-1
Anelka 0-2
Anelka 0-3
Kalou 0-4
Kalou 0-5
Benayoun 0-6

The preamble

So in the normal tradition I write this preamble before the game. It is a quarter to five, and it is prediction time. We will win. Perhaps not the most insightful of predictions, but at this time on match day my natural bi-polarity always surfaces, leaving me unable to decide if we will smash ‘em or merely scrape through the game with a 1-0. If you look at Wigan’s last result and add in the fact that at the time of writing this Blackpool are currently being shafted at Arsenal by six goals to nil, well, then all the portents suggest an easy win. At the same time I can’t quite shake off the feeling that last week was almost too easy for us, and we are all aware how this team sometimes gets too complacent. Will the fact we didn’t even have to break sweat whilst thrashing West Brom mean the players take this one for granted? Will Wigan’s frankly embarrassing defeat to Blackpool force their players to pull out the proverbial fingers and come out all guns blazing? And does anyone expect Martinez to still be in charge at the end of the season?

I think I am also obliged to mention the games from last season against Wigan; perhaps worryingly our first defeat came away at the DW and resulted not only in nul points but also a straight red and three game ban for Cech. Judging from the pre-season form of our back up keepers I pray that isn’t repeated this year. Obviously reminiscing about our meeting at the Bridge brings happier memories of eight goals and a league championship…

The team

In my view we put out the strongest possible side: Cech, Ivanovic, Alex, Terry, Cole, Essien, Obi, Lampard, Anelka, Drogba, Kalou.

I noticed Kakuta isn’t on the bench – is he injured? An away game against a pretty average side seems to be the ideal time to give him a few minutes.

The first half

The opening few minutes are fairly pedestrian and we seem content to let Wigan have the ball and see what they’ve got. This team seems so confident and relaxed and it could have cost us when Ivanovic fails to clear properly, passing it straight to Figueroa who has a shot on target from about 30 yards. This paragraph almost sums up the first half an hour of the game to be honest; Wigan dominate possession but their only way to have a chance at a goal is to shoot from distance. Chelsea haven’t done much either, though a couple of times the forwards have only just been offside when we look to play a ball over the top.

Our defence again tries to do Wigan a favour 20 minutes in as we hold onto the ball when a hoof up-field may have been more appropriate. Alex is under pressure after chasing onto a ball Wigan have played down the left and knocks it across to Ivanovic inside, but he is being chased down too and slips a loose ball further across the pitch. Luckily Cole is the most alert and manages to get there first and make a diving header to pass it back to Cech. It’s not really a heart-in-mouth moment but it is frustrating when the players seem to be too casual.

After half an hour we appear to decide that we’ve spent long enough sizing up the opposition and slip into second gear. Lampard plays a beautiful ball round the corner, over the top of Wigan’s defence and into Anelka’s path. Unfortunately he is about a foot offside, but minutes later we’ve scored and made it look easy. Drogba is on the left, he turns, feeds Cole’s run, and the pull back into the box reaches Lamps who takes one touch to control it before jabbing the ball at the goal. Kirkland’s scrambling save drops about two yards from the Wigan left-back, who stands there thoughtfully, contemplating God knows what, as Malouda storms across the six yard box for a tap in.

A few minutes later it could have been two nil as a simple ball out to the left finds the Drog who has time to pick a ball square across the box to Anelka, but it is just intercepted by the only defender who seems anyone near Nico. A final comment about the first half is that I was impressed with the Latic’s right-back, Stam, who played for FC Twente last year.

The second half

Three minutes pass before the inevitable and yet unpredictable happens. We score a second but it is due to a fifty yard pass from Mikel, over ten yards inside his own half, who played it long straight into the path of Anelka’s run. The finish is across Kirkland and into the bottom corner, and the team spirit shows when most of our players go straight to Mikel to give him a pat on the back (and no doubt take the mickey as well) for the great pass.

The next fifteen minutes are pretty eventful as Wigan try to claw their way back into the game either side of another goal for Nico. A minute or two after the restart Stam cuts the ball across our box and picks out McCarthy, another bright spot in a dull team, but with our defenders closing on him he can only scuff the shot wide. Cech’s goal kick soon works it way back to him, and it is his turn to play provider when his long ball reaches Malouda storming forward on the left. A cross deep in to the back post reaches Drog who tries to gently lob the ball back across goal. Instead he merely glances it, directing the bounce so it carries centrally to Anelka who heads in from a couple of feet out.

We are now three up but Wigan have had a lot of the ball. Part of the reason they can’t do much is that we have defended well and kept organised, notwithstanding two moments of sloppiness in the first half. Terry has crunched into every tackle he has needed to make, and Alex now makes two blocks in our area in quick succession, first when McCarthy slides in N’Zogbia, and again from the same player in the same spell of Wigan possession when Rodallega slaloms past three of our players and tries to release N’Zogbia on the left this time. Both times are examples of good, solid defending rather than last ditch heroism. The last threat on our goal occurs just after the hour when a deflected McCarthy shot bounces off the post and drops to Boselli who puts the ball into the net, but he is offside.

After seventy minutes Kalou comes on for Malouda and soon gets on the score sheet. Whilst on the attack Wigan decide to pass straight to Lampard, who quickly moves it on to Drogba. Still in his own half the big man turns quickly and starts charging up field. With the Wigan midfield left behind he draws in the defenders, waits until Kirkland starts to come out, and then feeds Kalou to his left who strokes the ball into an empty net. Ten minutes after that Kalou nearly gets his second when he only has one man to beat on the right of the area, but he gets tackled. Kirkland must have been feeling sorry for him though, because on the ninety minute mark a sumptuous Drogba cross from deep drifts in towards Kalou’s head, Kirkland comes to claim it, and suddenly finds the ball isn’t where he expected it any more as it had been nodded into an unguarded net. I bet Kalou’s never scored an easier brace in his life, and it’s mainly due to Didier.

Deep in stoppage time I was busy thinking it’s a shame we couldn’t get six, just for a bit of symmetry, when Drogba takes the ball from another player in our own half and hits it diagonally up to Anelka, who feeds Ferreira on the overlap, and his cut back finds Yossi free to roll in his first Chelsea goal from about five yards out.

The good

• Everyone in a Chelsea strip. Our defenders crunched into tackles, our midfielders passed well, and we scored six.
• Yossi. It’s nice to see the guy score.
• McCarthy and Stam looked pretty useful in a team that otherwise varied from merely average to completely shite.

The bad

• N’Zgobia. The little arse seemed more interested in starting a fight than playing football. In the first half he left a foot in when Terry slid in to tackle him, and in the second had a few nibbles at Cole. Terry got his own back with a strong tackle later on, following it up with a bit of a kick. Some people may think that our captain should really have just stayed out of it but I like those rare moments when teams try to shake us up physically and soon find out that we can dish out the dirty stuff too.
• Wigan. Abject. Martinez will surely be sacked soon.
• A last very minor gripe is that none of our youngsters got a go. Playing away there is always less pressure and we were coasting for the last half an hour. I think if Ivanovic wasn’t returning from injury (he went off for Ferreira) we may have seen Borini come on.

The ugly

• Hendry Thomas. He is a really ugly guy isn’t he?

Man of the Match

Drogba. He didn’t get any himself but had a big hand in five out of the six we scored.

Conclusion

Six goals later I have decided the complacency I mentioned in the preamble was just in my head, in fact it’s probably just a bit of arrogance about this team that I quite like. I still think that sometimes we knock it about too much at the back, but this is quite rare and I usually appreciate it when we make an effort to hang on to the ball rather than just hoof it clear. This team has supreme confidence based on the belief that if they keep organised they will soon get the measure of the opposition and start scoring. Overall, it’s been a superb start to the season… bring on Stoke!

Newspaper reports

The Observer, Amy Lawrence: "When you have scored 103 goals and set a scoring record in your last season, it is generosity beyond the call of duty for your first opponents of this term to be doling out gifts. Scott Carson continued the fine traditions of post-modern England goalkeepers by panicking and spilling with all the grace of a Laurel and Hardy sketch. The season was only five minutes old and Chelsea were back in the old routine. The goal machine clicked back into gear."

Sunday Telegraph, Jeremy Wilson: "Six goals, a hat-trick from Didier Drogba and immediately back on top of the league. As a statement of intent, this was so emphatic that some bookmakers are already quoting odds on Chelsea remaining at the summit of the Premier League all the way until May."

Independent on Sunday, Mark Fleming: "It was as if the World Cup had never happened as Chelsea's star names came to the fore, having flopped for their countries on the biggest stage. Didier Drogba was a marginal figure for Ivory Coast, but here he was playing again with conviction and passion, scoring a hat-trick that provided remarkable symmetry with the end of last season, when he scored three goals in Chelsea's 8-0 demolition of Wigan that clinched the Premier League title on the final day."

Official Chelsea FC Website: "A Didier Drogba hat-trick, Frank Lampard among the goals, a mighty home win and Chelsea on top of the table. No it is not a reposting of the report from the final league game of last season, but happily the first one of this campaign."

The goals

6 Malouda 1-0
45 Drogba 2-0
55 Drogba 3-0
63 Lampard 4-0
68 Drogba 5-0
90 Malouda 6-0

The preamble

As usual, I am writing this preamble, as honestly as I can, the day before the game, without false hindsight.

I am pessimistic about this match. After our very poor pre-season and numerous comments from the club about the poor fitness of the players it seems to me this match has come a fortnight too soon.

West Brom are newly-promoted but I hear that they have invested heavily in several overseas players and have, as their manager, Roberto di Matteo, with Eddie Newton as his assistant. For me, Robbie was a true Chelsea great and I hope that he gets a warm welcome tomorrow. But, for some reason, I always feel nervous when ex-Chelsea people manage teams against us. Poyet with Spurts, Gianfranco and Steve Clarke with the Spammers, Mark Hughes with Blackburn and Citeh have all got results against us in the past few seasons. And even Avram Grant with Portsmouth, got close to us in the FA Cup final last May. And, of course, Jose knocked us out of the Champions League last season as well. They all seem to come with a point or two to prove and their teams always fight very hard.

I have real doubts about our defence, too. We have let in seven goals in the last three matches, the majority of them from absurd mistakes. Both reserve goalkeepers, Zhirkov, JT, Ivanovic and Ashley have all been suspect and don’t inspire confidence. Riccy has gone to Real Madrid and, although I feel he is not the player he was a few years ago, he urgently needs replacing as only JT and Alex are left, with Bruma and Mancienne to back them up. I know Ivan is a central defender, too, but I would prefer to see him at right-back, in which position he was so outstanding last season.

Up front we have also looked poor, with Drogs recovering from surgery, Nic playing out of position, Kalou erratic as ever, and only Dan Sturridge looking lively.

My prediction is that we will come away with a narrow win – as happened against Hull in the opening fixture at home last season, when Drogs rescued us with a mis-hit winner in the last minute.

I remind myself that we are the Premier League Champions (with a new record of 103 goals scored) and the only team so far to win the Double in the 21st Century. We have a very, very good manager who proved many of us wrong last season (including me) and we have been nominated by the majority of pundits (including Andy Townsend!) to win the League again. We still have a squad with some outstanding players, including the returning Michael Essien, who is the equivalent of a new signing after so long out with his made-in-Ghana injuries. We have signed Ramires, with the prospect of getting Neymar, too – two very exciting Brazilians who may well solve the problem many of us noticed in the pre-season games: a lack of pace and inventiveness moving forward.

And here is another fact to get things in perspective. Exactly twenty years ago Chelsea opened their season (managed by Geoff Hurst) in the old Second Division with a 2-2 draw against Wrexham. As we trooped away from the Shed at the end I recall that the general mood was mild relief that we had not, yet again, thrown away the game with another shambolic defensive performance (dear old Petar Borota was in goal that day). Let’s just keep reminding ourselves how lucky we are now to be urging on the English Champions.

But we really do need to come out of the sticks fast with at least three wins against West Brom, Wigan, Stoke and West Ham in our first four games. This season could be even tougher than last year’s and, in my view, early dominance is essential. We really cannot afford any slip-ups against the relegation candidates.

The team

Cech; Paulo Alex JT Ashley; Essien Mikel Lamps; Anelka Drogs Malouda.

Subs: Hilario, Ivan, van Aanholt, Zhirkov, Benayoun, Kalou, Sturridge.

OK, I am going to have a moan about this selection. If Ivan is fit then he should be at right-back. If Drogs is still struggling for fitness then why aren’t we putting Sturridge on first, with Drogs ready to come on if we struggle? And I would have liked to see Kakuta on the bench rather than Zhirkov, who is also recovering from an injury and has looked very poor in those pre-season games. And why name four left-sided players in the squad?

Carlo frequently baffles me with his selections and substitutions. But that may be one of the reasons why he is the Manager of Chelsea Football Club and I am not.

The game

After just three minutes we’ve got our Chelsea back, with Lamps, Nic, Malouda and Ashley interchanging passes and combining effortlessly up on the left, despite the pelting rain. Nic is first on target with a shot well saved by Scott Carson. And on five minutes we are ahead. We get a slightly fortunate free-kick when Malouda loses possession and is then brought down. Up steps Drogs, and his drive is pushed away by Carson, only for John Obi to jump-pass for Malouda to knock it in. Good to see Jon Obi so far forward and, indeed, he looks like a different player to me, playing far more forward.

Our tactics are interesting. On paper it looks like a 4-3-3 but from moment to moment this seems to change to 4-5-1, to 4-2-1-2-1 as the emphasis from attack, to defence, to playing keep-ball changes, and the intelligence of the players dictates. Hard to tell whether West Brom are a decent side or not because we are closing them down so quickly: the moment they gain possession we seem to have four or five men around the ball-holder. As a result they resort to long balls which gives us the possession back.

The Bison and John Obi sometimes combine as two holding midfielders behind Lamps, just as we saw many teams playing in the World Cup. The Bison wasn’t doing his usual rampages forward but that did enable Lamps and Flo to do the creative stuff. And it also got John Obi forward sometimes. I checked it out and John Obi is still only 23, a month older than Ramires, and he is improving all the time.

Nevertheless the remainder of the first half looks a bit scrappy as we play keep-ball, looking for the counter-attack, while West Brom flood the midfield. On 39 minutes we get what would have been a replica of the opening goal. This time Lamps takes the free kick, their goalie pushes it away, but Flo heads just over.

But on 45 minutes the Drogs Bollocks steps up and knocks a 25-yard free kick around the wall and into the net with absurd simplicity (although it was a very poor wall). Leaving me feeling like a bit of an idiot with my pre-match comments.

Half-time: Chelsea 2 West Bromwich Albion 0.

The second half

The first ten minutes is scrappy with us content with the lead and playing on the counter-attack. West Brom take the game to us, and pass well, but don’t, with one exception (a free kick from Dorrans), create any chances. JT and Alex both look nonchalant.

On 55 minutes my pre-match pessimism looks even more foolish. With our first real attack of the half we win a corner. Malouda floats it in and JT’s power header is cleared off the line, only for Drogs to scramble it in. Even so, all three goals have come from set-pieces and the West Brom defence is very poor.

At this point Carlo substitutes Ivan for Ferreira. Then it strikes me that Ivan was, probably, still carrying the knock he caught from playing that ‘friendly’ against the cloggers at Eintracht Frankfurt, which was the reason why clever old Carlo didn’t put him on at the start.

On 62 minutes we score our first from open play with yet more beautiful football. Nic plays a diagonal pass to Ashley, who runs on like a hare to set up Lamps, who runs forward and side-foots it into the net. Simple, effective, and quite awesome. We’ve simply carried on where we left off against Wigan with the 8-0.

Job done, Carlo substitutes Lamps with Benayoun. Interesting, that, given that many of us thought that Benayoun was a replacement for Joe Cole. But, in truth, Benayoun did little to excite me during the 25 minutes he was on the pitch.

On 67 minutes it is 5-0 with yet another wonder goal from the Drogs Bollocks. I can’t see from here whether it was Ashley or Flo who set him up but from 28 yards out he hammers a deflected shot into the net to the left of the keeper. Genius!

And now Carlo brings him off and replaces him with Kalou, who does his usual impression of a buzzing bee without that much to show for it.

From now on we are ticking down the clock, happy to let West Brom take possession and come forward. Credit to them, and to Di Matteo, they don’t wilt, and they nearly score on 85 minutes with one shot headed narrowly wide by Alex.

89 minutes. 6-0. Nic – who has been excellent all match now that he is restored to his natural position as support striker, places a perfectly-timed ball through to Malouda, who rounds the keeper and strokes it in.

Full-time: Chelsea 6 West Bromwich Albion 0.

Player assessment

This section is really hard to write because, really, the whole team played well, with one or two possible exceptions amongst the substitutes. The front four: Drogs, Nic, Flo and Lamps were outstanding but only because the Bison and John Obi were solid, unselfish and disciplined behind them. Our back four looked in control from start to finish and it is easy to say ‘Yes – but it’s only West Brom’ – except that West Brom were not that bad a side. Easily better than Eintracht and Hamburg, I thought.

Man of the Match

I really wanted to give this to Malouda, who if he carries on playing like he has today, just as he did last season, will very soon be joining Lamps in the ‘Chelsea Legends’ gallery. But I just have to give it to Drogs. For a man to undergo surgery one month ago and then score a hat-trick on the opening day of the season puts him up there with the Gods.

The good

• We are top of the table from Day One.
• We’ve got our Chelsea back.
• I won’t need to take any Lithium Carbonate tonight.
• Citeh and Spurs draw.
• Our rivals will be reading their newspapers this morning with a sinking feeling of dread.
• Mark Clattenburg. I make a point of complimenting good refereeing performances and Clattenburg, in my opinion, is one of the best in the country.
• KaiserJonny_II. Next time I find myself getting too pessimistic about our prospects I will re-apply myself to his despatches with renewed care and attention.

The bad

• I have no chance whatever of becoming the Manager of Chelsea Football Club.

Final comment from Carlo

“We did our job. Nothing special.”

Related links

• Reaction: We did our job

Newspaper reports

The Guardian, Kevin McCarra: "The prize itself was of little note but rivalry is inescapable for these clubs. If their minds were not on the Community Shield itself, each team must still be obsessed with the other. For Manchester United the motivation was particularly keen as they confronted opponents who took the Premier League and the FA Cup just a few months ago."

Daily Telegraph, Henry Winter: "This was a tale of Little Pea and Quick Pee, of Javier "Chicharito" Hernández and Wayne "Wazza" Rooney, who both demonstrated why Manchester United can never be ruled out of contention for any competition. Too much class, new and old, exists. Too much hunger fills those famous red shirts. ... Chelsea, their pride piqued, will simply take defeat as a reminder of the weighty challenge to their title. Insert Ramires in midfield, get Didier Drogba fitter and Michael Essien sharper and Chelsea will be as formidable as ever."

Official Chelsea FC Website: "Chelsea succumbed to Manchester United today as two goals in the second half proved too much for the Blues to come back from. A winner in the final minute from Dimitar Berbatov ensured the Shield heads north, despite a late Chelsea onslaught on Edwin van der Sar's goal. The last time these two teams met in the competition it ended 2-2, when a last-minute Wayne Rooney goal ensured the fixture was decided on penalties, eventually won by the Blues."

The goals

Valencia 0-1
Hernandez 0-2
Kalou 1-2
Berbatov 1-3

The preamble

"The more things change, the more they stay the same." (Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr, 1849)

There are many ways in which one can interpret this quote. The simplest conclusion that arises is that the one thing that we can be sure of, the only thing that is consistent in life, is that nothing is permanent. And that seems strangely appropriate when discussing Chelsea at present.

We all know that nothing is ever permanent in football and it is that constant change which keeps bringing us fans back for another taste of that heady mix of ecstasy, despair and for long stretches of the season, utter mediocrity. Someone recently told me that they were taking a break from football and in their case supporting Arsenal (if you even consider giving up on your club then you’re not really much of a fan, but that’s beside the point) because it suddenly dawned on them that in their words “none of it really matters.” He thought that after twenty years of loyal support, it just wasn’t worth the pain of riding that crushingly disappointing rollercoaster anymore. Ever since Roman and Chelsea changed the face of football (I hate using that arrogant and hyperbolic phrase but it fits in this situation), he’s watched Arsene put together endless variations of Barcelona-lite only for a big bully (us) or a rich bully (us) or an immovable object (Fergie) to come along and trample all over their kindergarten. Far from nothing ever being permanent in football, for him and many other football fans, things have appeared to stay the same for a little too long now.

And even though we have absolutely no right to complain, at first glance, a sense of déjà vu does appear to be hanging over Chelsea. For better or for worse, our squad has barely changed and as Double winners that may not be such a bad thing. We have experience, power and a winning mentality to protect so missing out on the likes of Kaka and Torres may have been a blessing in disguise. After all, Carlo and Ray were able to steer a Scolari-ruined rabble to the Treble (if Jose counts the Community Shield as a trophy then so will I) with only Zhirkov, Sturridge and Turbull “improving” the squad so a Double winning side plus the tricky and underrated Benayoun may be good enough to win the lot. However, continuity can sometimes lead to stagnation and an experienced squad only needs a few poor results to turn into an elderly one and even though our Lampard-Drogba double-act has probably been this side’s greatest advantage over our rivals, at one point in the near future that strength will turn into over reliance. The biggest problem I have with a lack of evolution in our squad is that we seem to be ignoring one of Fergie’s best pearls of wisdom; that you should always improve your squad from a position of strength. So when you win a big trophy, if you have to ability to spend some money on quality players, you should. Instead of sitting back and admiring your title winning squad you have to jump further ahead of your rivals and go again in the transfer market. Just as we brought in Michael Essien after our first title win – which then helped us win it again – Fergie bought Tevez after wrestling the title off Jose and was then able to win three in a row. This summer presents a great opportunity to blow our rivals away, with Utd languishing in debt, Arsene playing babysitter for the sixth consecutive year and Liverpool placing all their eggs in Woy’s incredibly average basket, and if we don’t improve now, then that could be a very costly decision indeed. City have hoovered up most of the A- talent across Europe and as soon as they can combine their Oil money with Champions League football, then we could easily get left behind in future years. We will never become also-rans like Arsenal but if we miss this summer’s window to refresh our squad then we may be fighting with a rather big fish in future transfer windows.

However, at the risk of contradicting myself, this pre-season does feel a little different to the past two or three and the club does appear to have changed in the close season. Firstly, we’re Double winners so the swagger and confidence that comes with success appears to be back. Secondly, we haven’t had to scramble around for a new manager which is always a bonus. We have one of the five best managers in the world and sticking with him for the next three of four years is the only thing we should be thinking about. But Carlo has overseen some significant changes this summer. Loyal and dedicated servants have left (Joe and Michael Ballack), as have some crucial figures who never quite did it at the club (Deco and Belletti) and Ricky and possibly Hilario look like they could still be shipped out. The fact that we have lost such experience and class should not be overlooked as Deco was brilliant in a surprisingly large number of matches last season (Villa at home comes to mind) and if Ballack hadn’t filled in so perfectly in the holding role or Joe flicked in with that back-heel, our run-in would have collapsed. In their place have come the likes of Ramires (Brazilian Essien), Matic (alarmingly slow), Bruma (future star), Borini (just not good enough at this level), Kakuta (a wonderkid who just hasn’t been given a chance) and perhaps Josh and Patrick Van Aanholt. All or none of these kids may become future Chelsea greats but their arrival hasn’t led to the youthful, pacy boost I was expecting.

Fitness may be the chief aim of pre-season but winning is a habit and the performances seen on our Dutch and German tours were worrying to say the least. Our goalkeeping situation is an embarrassment and doesn’t need to be looked into here but the fact that Anelka has looked dismal thus far and the likes of Kalou, Yossi and Malouda have been rather anonymous should be cause for concern. Many say that little can be drawn from pre-season but it certainly didn’t hurt for Carlo to beat the likes of Inter Milan on our US tour last year. It brought confidence to the squad and that winning habit led to us gaining maximum points from our first six games. Something just seems to be a little bit off in this summer’s performances and it can’t all be blamed on a World Cup hangover. Perhaps this old side has just reached its peak and even if you want to write off the past three defeats, today would be the first opportunity for the doubters to see if Carlo really can equal last year’s success with the likes of Frank, Didier and Nico another year older and only Ramires and Yossi coming in. I have complete trust in Carlo’s managerial ability but if he is unable to bring in the players he wants to, then this may be a dreaded transitional season. If it is, then so be it, but with the opportunity to push further ahead of our rivals staring us in the face, to sit back would be a regrettable mistake in my eyes.

The teams

Hilario; Paulo, Ivanovic, JT, Cole; Mikel, Essien, Frank; Kalou, Anelka, Malouda

Subs: Turnbull, Bruma, Yossi, Zhirkov, Sturridge, Drogba, Van Aanholt

A rather strange line-up in my opinion. Not only because it included the clown that is Hilario but because we again decided to overlook Kakuta. Surely he deserves a place on the bench and with Joe leaving, I actually thought that he would be pushing Kalou for a starting role.

As for Utd, well Rooney and Mickey Owen were back and Green Pea was on the bench.

The match

The day started off rather well for us. We all got to see Franco leading out the FA welcome party and he seemed to get a particularly warm welcome from Carlo in his rather dapper, new D&G suit, which was nice. The side then began the match confidently as we kept the ball for the first three minutes with some rather impressive keep-ball. We may not have gone anywhere, but to see the side keep possession with neat, passing and moving triangles was a huge improvement on the Germany tour. However, the match soon settled down to the pre-season friendly we feared it would be instead of the competitive match-up many hoped for. The pattern was set as we would keep the ball for two or three minutes with some pointless possession amongst our back four and then an aimless long ball would lead to Utd having two or three minutes of keep ball. There was the odd chance such as Ivanovic’s bullet header or Valencia’s under hit lob as Hilario came running out in suicidal fashion (more on that later) but for the most part the first 15 minutes went by at a glacial pace.

The tempo of the match plummeted further as the clock struggled to reach the twenty minute mark and but for a Rooney cross shot and an Anelka long-range effort, absolutely nothing was happening. Most of the attention centred on Paul Scholes for the rest of the half as after miraculously escaping a booking for an awful hack on Malouda, he soon began to control the match. It was worrying to see our midfield three of Frank, Mikel and Essien struggle to get anywhere near Utd’s midfield pairing of Scholes and Carrick so early in the match as Carlo must have thought that a 4-3-3 would be able to dominate the archaic flat 4-4-2. The fact that we were consistently too slow to pressurise their central midfield meant that after our impressive opening, we were soon forced onto the back foot as Scholes grew into his quarterback role. He had the space and time to pick out Valencia’s runs in behind Ashley, almost at will, and in the end that led to the opening goal just on the eve of half time. A perfectly weighted Scholes through ball found Rooney near the corner flag. Seemingly with no options available to him, he drilled a brilliant reverse pass into the box for Valencia to pass into the net. It was a world-class goal which we could do little about and despite Utd barely deserving it, the lack of creativity and attacking threat on show from us meant that we had little to complain about.

The second half began with a number of Utd substitutions including the much-hyped debut of Little Pea and happily for us a change in mentality. Realising that a fourth straight defeat and the relinquishing of a legitimate trophy is hardly the best preparation for a new season, we began to play at a higher tempo and create a few half-chances. They may only have been long shots from Malouda and Kalou but it was a significant improvement on the impotent showing from our front men in the first half. Utd may have been non-existent in this half but Carlo clearly wasn’t happy and after 15 minutes Didier and Daniel Sturridge were brought on for Anelka and Mikel. This bold move nearly led to an immediate equaliser as the tricky and pacy Sturridge helped to set up further efforts from Malouda, a rather timid half-volley from Kalou and a 25 yard curler from Essien. We continued to dominate proceedings as the impressive Ferreira threw in cross after cross, one of which nearly led to a volleyed equaliser from Ashley but our obvious lack of pace meant that we ultimately struggled to break down their rather deep back four.

In the end pace decided the match as despite not touching the ball for the first twenty minutes of the half, Utd were able to grab a second on the break with a very simple goal. Another Scholes long ball in behind Ashley found Valencia whose drilled cross was bundled home by Chicharito. It was unfair on us but it was telling that Valencia’s raw pace was able to finish this match for Utd. We may have been controlling the match but much like the first half, our one-paced and slow possession football resulted in little penetration and ultimately we had been punished by two injections of pace from Utd. The impressive Sturridge soon gave us hope with some incisive runs from the right wing and it was his curling effort which enabled Kalou to pull one back with eight minutes to go. It led to a mini revival as Sturridge and Didier both had shots go close but ultimately our play didn’t deserve an equaliser and with added time nearly up, Berbatov soon scored a third into an empty net from 25 yards out. You may be wondering where Hilario was and his absence was due to some more suicidal decision making. He may only have ruined three clearances in the first 92 minutes of the match but his decision to come running out to the edge of the box when he had no chance of reaching the ball before Berbatov was disgraceful for a goalkeeper at a world class club like ours. If he had stayed in his goal then Berbatov would have had to come up with a rasping 20 yard volley to find the back of the net, but instead all he had to do was lift the ball into an empty net. It was fucking embarrassing and was a rather appropriate end to our dismal pre-season thus far.

The good

• Essien – Another 90 minutes under his belt was a bonus and despite looking rusty in front of goal, his return to “competitive” action was a welcome one. An unstoppable pairing with Ramires looks mouth-watering but it was worrying to see that when Carlo looked for more creativity in midfield, all he could think of was shifting Malouda inside meaning an injury to Essien would leave our midfield completely bare.
• Paulo – A surprisingly adventurous showing from our most loyal of loyal servants and as he always he never let us down.
• Sturridge – The fact he had pace meant that he immediately jumped to the top of the list in terms of our most impressive performers and compared to Kalou, he was brilliant. Kalou may have got the goal but it was Sturridge who had the greatest effect on the game for us. An outside bet for a start next week?
• The pitch – It was great. That’s about it.

The bad

• Our general play – Too slow and too predictable. Our power and experience has allowed us to breeze past most opponents but today exposed us as an old side lacking pace. As soon as Sturridge came on we improved and that was for the simple reason that we had an out-ball and someone who could beat his defender. It makes the decision to leave out Kakuta all the more baffling but with Carlo saying that “they deserved to win because we played too slowly in the first half,” it’s clear to me that we need a new attacking signing. Our side is clearly lacking pace and unfortunately for him, Kalou is not the answer. He’s a great super-sub but still an erratic starter and if we don’t bring in a new signing, I’m not sure if we’ll have enough to break down the inevitable string of parked buses we’ll have to contend with this season.
• Anelka – Completely anonymous.
• Zhirkov – I’m not sure if anyone else has noticed but this pre-season his passing has been shocking and despite the Hamburg back-pass hopefully being a one-off, he nearly repeated the trick today. A worrying run of form for the Russian.

Player ratings

• Hilario – 3/10 – I don’t really care that his kicking improved today. He’s a terrible keeper whose role in the third goal was simply embarrassing.
• Paulo – 7/10 – He just never lets you down.
• Ivanovic – 6/10 – A bit rusty. He’s clearly usurped Ricky but that lazy defending for their second played Valencia onside when JT and Ash had pushed up.
• JT – 7/10 – Calm, controlled and no errors.
• Cole – 7/10 – A regular attacking threat and was perhaps a little too keen to shut up those booing him from the crowd as his attacking runs left us a bit open to Valencia’s runs.
• Mikel – 6/10 – Calm on the ball but will lose his place to Essien when Ramires moves in next to Frank.
• Essien – 6/10 – Still a little rusty but he’ll soon make that holding role his own in a formidable midfield three with Frank and Ramires.
• Frank – 6/10 – Clever switching of play helped to keep the pitch as wide as possible but he was strangely absent from Utd’s penalty box and still looks unfit to me.
• Kalou – 6/10 – Got his goal which was a bonus but his touch was poor at times and he wasted the chance to regularly beat Fabio who is an inexperienced and weak left-back.
• Malouda – 7/10 – Tricky, incisive running and some dangerous long shots meant he was a level above a number of others.
• Anelka – 5/10 – An unfit Didier recovering from an operation did more than him and his awful pre-season form continues.
• Didier (sub) – 5.5/10 – A little more effective than Anelka but that’s not saying much. His attempt at dribbling was so clumsy that he succeeded in bundling his way through three Utd challenges but Carlo still thinks he’s two weeks away from full fitness and without him, we look weak up front.
• Sturridge (sub) – 8/10 – Very impressive. His one-on-one miss was a worrying introduction but after that he seemed to enjoy his right-wing role. A number of incisive runs and rasping shots later, he had helped us bag a consolation and after today, I’d start him ahead of Kalou.
• Yossi (sub) – 5/10 – Anonymous. Did he touch the ball?
• Zhirkov (sub) – 4/10 – Awful. £21m for him would be the sale of the century if Coentrao is available for £16m.
• Bruma (sub) – 5/10 – Didn’t do anything which was hardly his fault.

Man of the Match

For us it could only be Sturridge but it would be ridiculous to ignore Valencia and Scholes’ effect on this game. I’d give it to Valencia whose pace tore us apart twice.

The conclusion

So what do you make of that then? A fourth straight defeat and yet another performance lacking in creativity and attacking threat. Our possession and movement has improved since Hamburg but we seem to be lacking a spark in the final third. Frank was hardly involved today and you can see what happens when out best player fails to create anything for the rest of the side: we create fuck all basically. I’m a little annoyed that everyone at the club seems to be brushing off this dismal form as “only pre-season losses.” On paper, they’re completely right but looking in from afar, it’s clear that this side needs tweaking. The club have done well to move on Joe, Belletti, Ballack, Deco and probably Ricky and the arrivals of Yossi and especially Ramires will certainly help us but much in the same way Alex McLeish complains about at Birmingham, we’ve only replaced those how have moved on and as yet have failed to actually add anything new to the side. Two bursts of pace and a neat passing move cost us the game today and it was only Sturridge’s pace which enabled us to get back into the game. That should tell Carlo that with Malouda, Didier and Nico as his preferred front three, we may struggle to break down a number of defences this season. That trio lacks pace and creativity and despite them guiding us home in last season’s run-in, opposition defences will be ready for them this year. As Utd showed today, a deep and resolute defence and easily keep us out and perhaps the only good thing Carlo can take from this is that yet another disappointing defeat should act as a wake-up call to the players and hopefully Roman about what is needed in the remaining weeks of the transfer window if we are to retain our League and Cup Double.

Related links

• Ancelotti: Not a good pre-season